So I had an Epiphany yesterday...
The incident with "J" bringing up the "Love" word on the phone honestly freaked me out a bit - and sent me straight to wanting to be with The Pilot Guy.Now, I'll always take time with The Pilot Guy - and I told him recently that "I will always make time for you no matter what is going on in my life...and that's a promise". But yesterday, I figured out why I feel about him the way do...
Well, first of all, he is him - I adore the way he thinks - and makes me think. I like his sense of humor. Sex is always great. Time with him is comfortable.
But I realized yesterday that The Pilot Guy is safe. I've learned that I can be myself with him and he isn't going to push me for anything more. I told him I'd never ask for more than he can give - and I get that in return.
I like play in my life. Play and fun are very important to me...
I can go out on a limb with him sexually - and trust that I will always be safe no matter what we try. It allows me to explore my edges...
I have been vulnerable with him - and he took it well without taking advantage of my weak moments.
He allows me to be caring, though I wonder if I scare him sometimes because I seem too caring? But, I am simply me.
And I realized that is the main reason I miss him when it's been awhile. I can count on one hand the men I've dated that allow me to be caring without trying to cross the line to moving it into a love thing - expecting more from me than I can openly and honestly give...
A couple of weeks ago, I told Dee that I didn't want to be always caring. She first asked if I was trying to convince HER or myself. Then she told me that caring just oozes from me no matter how I try to hide it. And I shouldn't try to change that.
I AM a caring person. I want to be a kind and loving person - but I don't want it to have to cross the line to being in love.
I love my kids. I love my dogs. I have friends I truly love. But I don't have much room in my mind for romantic "I can't live without you" love.
I hate having to turn into a cold-hearted bitch in order to protect not only myself - but someone else. I don't want to hurt others, I don't.
And I wonder if that makes me weird... Is it too much to ask to be allowed to be 100% myself - not having to hide any part of me without fear of hurting someone?
I just want to be myself...
posted by Just a Girl @ 9:51 AM
4 Comments:
Caring too much is not something to be ashamed of, it's something to embrace. I suffer from the same disease :) I can't help but trust and help and care about people. But I find the more than I accept it and allow myself to be THAT girl, the more people see ME clearly and thus treat me with the respect I deserve.
When I have a problem, I just look them in the eye and tell them from the heart why the situation is hurting me/the people I love.
I don't know if it will work for you, but it does for me. (sorry its such a long comment!)
long comments are always welcome, sweetie.
And yeah, well... I am a somewhat trusting girl, but I've discovered that the full me stays somewhat contained... mainly because I can feel safer that way.
so screwed in some ways, I know. But. such is my life and I'm learning to just accept it...
i agree with anna, caring is your gift, work with it :)
maybe being your 100% self will end up being your strongest way of showing you care. valuing someone enough to be genuine with them, and expressing truly what you when you want it..it is impossible to offer more, and it is the most precious thing you can offer..
just some thoughts, hope they were somewhat on topic.
take care! :D
learn
Learn - Anna - you guys can take over my comments ANYTIME and go where ever you want subject wise.
And you are right - caring is one of my gifts, but a gift I feel I have to hide a bit so that no one gets the wrong idea.
I like sharing my gifts with others - but it needs to be those who can accept my gift in the way it is given...
Gee, does that make sense at all??
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