Just a Girl's Thoughts...

still alive and kicking....

2005-11-06T10:43:00.000-06:00

I'm here - just not into writing much these days.

It isn't as if I don't have the desire to write, but the gremlins of time are working against my creative side. Mostly work is keeping me busy - but at times, when I do have those few moments of time to myself, I simply feel shut down because of the work stuff that is on my mind.

I'm continuing to have adventures, though. Some general time with a couple of new guys - nice dates here and there - some fun nights out with M.

And last night, some extended time with The Pilot Guy...who was in town for the night...and I'm reminded again how much I simply adore that man...

not doing too well at keeping up, am I?

2005-09-25T11:44:00.000-05:00

I used to be so very disciplined about writing. Within 24-hours of some play time, I would make my way to my computer and get things "down" on paper.

And now I find myself lagging. I have true moments of time I want to remember, but have delayed too long and miss the opportunity to recall the finer details because they have become fuzzy....

I've had a busy week. I spent some time with two of my favorite boys this weekend, the "email boy" as well as "Buddy Boy". And earlier this week, it was time with MM.

And the email boy. Damn, but he is pulling ahead favorite wise. Maybe even over The Pilot Guy. Maybe. Yesterday, we were talking about comfort - and the true comfort level we have when we are together. I meet his friends. His co-workers. And life is good between us - without expectations - but with fun and friendship with the level of play I so enjoy. And a bit of adventure...

He says the nicest things to me. It's nice to hear things like "God, you have the sexiest body". But it's also nice to hear other stuff. He told me he likes me so much because I'm funny. That people tend to THINK they are funny, but really aren't. But he says that I am funny just being me, not meaning to be... and that's what makes me so fun to hang out with.

It's such a change for me... AS I become more comfortable in my own skin, I shed the inhibitions. The bitchiness. And become more me than I've ever been.

A girl who is kind and caring. A girl who loves to live life. A girl who likes to have fun. A girl who is happy with the girl she was - and the girl she is quickly becoming...

tell me...

2005-09-21T23:50:00.000-05:00

why it is we are most compatible with those who cannot commit?

I just spent some time with MM. Very unexpectedly. He called on his way home from being out with clients. I was sitting on the bed doing paperwork...

And I could hear it in his voice that he needed me. So I told him the kids were already in bed.. and to come over and talk to me - face to face, not through our cells...

Thing is...

I don't want more. It scares me too much. But at times, I simply want a few moments of the more...

But he is so in a place I used to be... Covering up the problems in his marriage by avoiding them with way too many hours at work and all the spare time going to the kids... and letting other things flounder...

And our time together was nice...too short...a little bittersweet...

great sex...a little conversation... and moments of simply laying there, letting him hold me...

and the holding part was something he needed as much as the sex... and I have to admit that I feel safe enough with him to let him hold me...

because I know he isn't available for the more... it's our agreement...and the reason I continue to see him on occasion...

Complex, I know... but it works in my mind...

Tonight he said "why is it always so easy with you? so good with you? why is there always so much stress?"

I'm just sad that I can't fix it for him...

just a note in passing

2005-09-14T05:42:00.000-05:00

i need to have more writing time. I saw an old friend last night...

and he brought me clothes...

and put them on me....

and...

2005-09-11T08:11:00.000-05:00

Never forget...

09/11/2001

and sometimes...it's all about simple distraction....

2005-09-09T06:39:00.000-05:00

I've mentioned in passing, but never discussed in detail the boy nick named "The Boy Toy". Now, Dee dubbed him that the first time I told her about him...

I've known The Boy Toy since May. He is 28, younger than the average guy I typically play with - I promise he makes up for it in other areas ;) He has an extremely nice body - he used to be a personal trainer and has rock hard abs, arms to die for - and he is a real cutie. Blonde. Blue Eyes. GREAT smile.

But best of all, the boy has a very wicked sense of humor.

Now, this boy is truly about play and simple distraction - nothing more could ever happen there... Sometimes, a girl has gotta have toys - and toys with batteries, while nice, live toys are certainly fun to have on occasion...

So, last night was one of those nights when we were text messaging. I was out meeting a girlfriend for dinner (more about that later) and then IM'd briefly Dee and then The Pilot Guy.

And The Boy Toy asked what I had been doing...and I told him I'd been out with a girlfriend - and he asked where my kids were - and I told him at their dad's. Then he asked what time I had to get up this morning. I said the alarm was set for 5 AM. He said OH, mine is 5:30. It's too late for an early start for both of us... and I say maybe another time...

AT this point, I'm off the computer, and in bed reading... a good 15 minutes had passed since I had told him goodnight... Then he sent me a naked picture to my phone. To which he got a note back that said "very nice... too bad we have places to be in the morning..."

And he texts back and says "hmmm... well, what if it was a quickie? Out of there in 30 minutes?" So I tell him, sure, come on over. I get up, brush my teeth and change from the soft nightgown I was planning to sleep in to something lacey... He lives less than 5 minutes away, so I go unlock the door (I had already locked up for the night - hey, it was 11:30!)

And then I get a text: Almost there. I'm going to come to your door NAKED if that's ok...

So I text back: fine with me. I'm not wearing any panties...

He gets here, and I open the door and he opens his door a crack and says "shut the door and go in the house. I'll be right there." And a minute or two later, the door opens - and sure enough...

he is naked

Yep. He walks through my door without a stitch of clothing on his very nice body...

and he tosses his clothes on the couch (they were in his hand) and pulls me into his arms and starts kissing me. Oh, that first kiss of an encounter... the mingling of breath and tongue - and I can taste his mouthwash... and feel his breath on my neck.... And we are both laughing... and kissing... and his arms rove down my back and across my ass... and he starts backing me down the hall and into my bedroom.

And we are still laughing and he keeps kissing me... and he tells me how hard he is because he was thinking about me and stroking his cock... And then I tell him how much I appreciate a man with a sense of humor... And gives me a little push towards the bed and puts his arm across my shoulders as he lowers me to the mattress....

and he begins kissing me again... and down my neck and then takes my left breast out of my little chemise and pulls the nipple into his mouth and then slips his hand to my pussy... and slips a finger inside.. and I reach down to take his hard cock in my hand....

and then he pulls the other breast free... and leans forward and slides his cock between my breasts and tells me how much he has dreamed about my giant tits... kisses me again and kisses down my body and slides his cock inside me (yes we do use condoms). and tells me he can't believe how ready he is to come...

and then pulls out, stands and says, I don't think I've been here much more than 10 minutes. Then he gives me his hand to pull me up and off the bed... And we begin laughing all over again at him walking through my door naked... and I tease him he's lucky my neighbor, the police officer, wasn't home to witness his bare ass walking through my door - and then we laugh all over again about how truly quick this quickie had been...

And I tell him he needs to get some sleep, as do I... and we walk down the hall - this time, I'm naked... and he puts his clothes on, kisses me goodbye - and leaves.

And I go to bed.

Just what the doctor ordered.

Laughter, which is important to me.

And.

A quick session of down and dirty sex - no worries with emotions or feelings - just someone to provide a little distraction in a very nice way....

weeding my garden...

2005-09-07T06:12:00.000-05:00

I'm beginning to let the cold-hearted bitch out a bit. She is there, lurking always. She's the one that does so well in the business world - because she is calculating and decisive and sets emotions aside....

Anyhoo, after the dealings with "J" and my subsequent epiphany... as well as discussions with "M" about what I'm really ready for.... I decided it was time to make some decisions...

For one, I looked back in my writings and found where I had been out with J and it had been clear as to where I stood. I'm not quite sure where the turn went in his mind...

So, I met a guy for drinks Sunday while my daughter was on a date. This is a guy that I have NEVER had sex with and had put it off because I wasn't sure where he was in his head - in that could he move forward without going to the "falling" stage. Infatuation I can deal with, but not falling. I've been seeing him on and off since February. Long time without moving forward, huh? but something in the back of my mind has kept me from doing so...

So, anyway, he has been pushing to make the relationship more physical and I told him I could meet him for a drink and we could talk. NO. Spark. Nothing. I sat and chatted and while he's a nice guy, I just felt no sexual attraction towards him at all....

I gave him one more chance and damn, I'm glad I did. It makes the decision easier to just say "no".

After he left, I picked up my daughter - and she was hungry (movie dates and popcorn just didn't cut it for her food wise), so we went back to the restaurant I had just left...

The pluses of being a regular at a restaurant or bar is that besides knowing the waitstaff, you begin to know the other regulars. "M" and I are in there regularly. And I'm just a friendly girl and do talk to others around me.... The guys at the next table had been there through the whole date and were still there when I went back. And one of them came over, gave me a hug and asked me what in the WORLD was I doing with that boring guy?

I had to laugh. That it was so obvious.

Of course, he decided it was time to give me his number just in case I needed it... men. I swear He's a fireman, but he is entirely too young for me.... (i think)

But I'm discovering I'd much rather be alone than waste time on someone who is wanting more from me... and I certainly don't want to waste anyone else's time - or to "lead them on" to thinking there is a chance of more with me - when there isn't.

So, it's time to scroll through more of my rolodex and weed. Keep the boys who are gems. The ones who can play, have a good time, excite me to my toes. And cut ties with those boys who just don't do it for me - as well as those boys who are looking for "the love of their life".

Soon, baby... soon my garden will blossom in all the right places. Weeding is a smart thing for this girl to do...

Who else but...

2005-09-05T09:55:00.000-05:00

a special girlfriend knows what to do and what to say?

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about how girlfriends are special. They are.

I've never been one to be friends with too many women - I make better friends with men usually... but every once-in-awhile, there comes along a woman I can identify with.

"M" is one of those rare women. She is having a rough time of things with her divorce and all - and spent Saturday hiding away from the rest of the world. When we talked on Sunday, I told her to just come and spend the day with me - that she ALWAYS felt better after time at my house.

And when she got here, I was in the middle of de-cluttering and cleaning. I have realized there is simply too much junk in my house. No, I didn't spring clean, so I will "fall clean". And I was going to stop when she got here, but she jumped right in and decided to help me.

We cleaned and decluttered my kitchen. Then my kids came home, and we stopped to chat, she walked back and sat on my bed while I folded laundry. Fussed at my about my closet and I told her I'd get to it soon.

And I read to her my previous post, about my epiphany... well, I read part of it and when I started to get a little teary, she came and hugged me and stroked my hair and read where I had left off....

Later, someone remind me to talk about the "test" she gave me. See, Dee asked if I was only saying I felt like I do about The Pilot Guy for HIM or if it was how I really feel. "M" recognizes that I am not all about words, but about honesty in that case. So remind me later...

Then we watched movies. And went to the grocery store. And baked a cake. Had hot dogs for dinner. And watched another movie...

And then we cleaned more. We moved all the furniture in my living room. We cleaned out my hall closet where the water heater lives.

And then we laid on the bed and talked. And had a frank discussion with my oldest (she is 14) about sex.

And at this point it is 1:30 in the morning, she has been at my house for 12 hours - and it's time for her to go home. We hug and kiss and then she is gone.

I had told The Pilot Guy that the difference between boys and girls at least for me:

"Women show caring and intimacy in other ways, whether it's they way they hug, the ability to lay on the bed and talk about any and everything, or a soft touch - like the caressing of an arm or stroking hair... the ability to comfort you with just that soft touch..."

So yes, "M" is one of those special girlfriends. I'm so thankful she is here in my life...

So I had an Epiphany yesterday...

2005-09-04T09:51:00.000-05:00

The incident with "J" bringing up the "Love" word on the phone honestly freaked me out a bit - and sent me straight to wanting to be with The Pilot Guy.

Now, I'll always take time with The Pilot Guy - and I told him recently that "I will always make time for you no matter what is going on in my life...and that's a promise". But yesterday, I figured out why I feel about him the way do...

Well, first of all, he is him - I adore the way he thinks - and makes me think. I like his sense of humor. Sex is always great. Time with him is comfortable.

But I realized yesterday that The Pilot Guy is safe. I've learned that I can be myself with him and he isn't going to push me for anything more. I told him I'd never ask for more than he can give - and I get that in return.

I like play in my life. Play and fun are very important to me...

I can go out on a limb with him sexually - and trust that I will always be safe no matter what we try. It allows me to explore my edges...

I have been vulnerable with him - and he took it well without taking advantage of my weak moments.

He allows me to be caring, though I wonder if I scare him sometimes because I seem too caring? But, I am simply me.

And I realized that is the main reason I miss him when it's been awhile. I can count on one hand the men I've dated that allow me to be caring without trying to cross the line to moving it into a love thing - expecting more from me than I can openly and honestly give...

A couple of weeks ago, I told Dee that I didn't want to be always caring. She first asked if I was trying to convince HER or myself. Then she told me that caring just oozes from me no matter how I try to hide it. And I shouldn't try to change that.

I AM a caring person. I want to be a kind and loving person - but I don't want it to have to cross the line to being in love.

I love my kids. I love my dogs. I have friends I truly love. But I don't have much room in my mind for romantic "I can't live without you" love.

I hate having to turn into a cold-hearted bitch in order to protect not only myself - but someone else. I don't want to hurt others, I don't.

And I wonder if that makes me weird... Is it too much to ask to be allowed to be 100% myself - not having to hide any part of me without fear of hurting someone?

I just want to be myself...

I've been too quiet, I know...

2005-09-04T08:39:00.000-05:00

I kind of fell out of the habit of blogging regularly, didn't I?

What started as a sex blog over at indecent blogging has led to a discombobulated blog here of some sex, some dating, some emotion...

an update of sorts is in order, then, I'm guessing...

*My absolute FAVORITE guy is re-locating to another city. It's a wonderful move for him in both his career and it means he will be closer to much of his family. I'm happy for him. I had a bit of a thought-clearing moment about him yesterday - but I'll write more about that later...

*I think I'm going to completely break things off with "J". From the beginning I was clear with him that I am not looking for anything serious and above all should be viewed simply as a "fun toy". A red flag went up on our last date... and a telephone conversation with him Friday night totally sent me over the edge. HUGE red flag when he brought the "love" word up on conversation not once, but THREE times.

*Email Boy and I had a great date last Sunday. We had a breakfast/brunch date that started at 5 AM and ended about 2 PM. Some great sex. Lots of laughter. I do need to write about it. With him, it was as if no time had passed since I last saw him... it was comfortable. There aren't too many guys I can say that about. He's a guy I could spend the night with and not worry...

Give me a few moments to get a fresh cup of coffee and I'll start getting some of my thoughts out again... Sorry for being gone for so long.... I'll be better. Promise.

Quiet

2005-08-27T12:32:00.000-05:00

my house is quiet for the moment except for the breathing of one of the dogs and the tapping of the keys on my keyboard.

I was supposed to be with Dee this weekend, but due to weather complications, we decided to cancel my trip. I cannot get stuck where she lives due to weather - I have to get back home for kids and work...

just a date

2005-08-21T14:05:00.000-05:00

So, "J" and I had a regular kind of date last night.

We met early in the evening, around 5:30 and went for Sushi. Then for a quick drink at a Martini Bar. Then to a movie.

That was the regular part of the date. Dinner was good. We saw Broken Flowers with Bill Murray. If you liked Lost in Translation you will like the movie. I didn't.

Then we spent some time at his office. I love sitting out on the balcony and staring at the grounds. We talked and had a couple of drinks... Then did a late night run to a sports bar for FOOD to balance out the rum he liberally poured into my Coke ;)

I headed home about 2 AM.

Time with J is usually nice. He's a nice guy. He's intelligent. He treats me like a princess. I typically enjoy our conversations...

But I don't feel that special connection like I do with one particular guy... and that makes my time with him almost bittersweet...

a note about my stories...

2005-08-15T18:07:00.000-05:00

I recently wrote: What if one someone I know in real life were to find this space? I mean, beyond the few people I've purposely given this address to? I share selectively - and edited - stories... I certainly don't share the whole enchilada with anyone. Again, the need to protect myself.... Especially my heart...

As part of this thought process (and the rest of the post) I went through recently deleted the bulk of my stories over at my indecent blog... It was hard, because I so love sharing... but I was too exposed...

I've made so many friends via my blog - and share this address with some of my "real life" friends I would trust with my life... and I want to continue sharing...and keeping them updated...

So, as far as my future writings, I have made a decision...

Posts like this will stay forever - they are simply a part of my life. So will posts like "Shadow Dancing & Other Games".

But.

Stories that detail time with special people in my life? Those stories will be posted, but will have a life expectancy of a short time frame. I'm thinking a week or so will give my dear readers time to know what's going on with me, but reduce the exposure of my heart and soul...

I think that's a good compromise... so feel free to leave thoughts on that... you can always drop me a line: indecent.justagirl@gmail.com

hmmmmm....

2005-08-14T18:28:00.000-05:00

I got a really nice note from a guy I went out with a few times in the Spring. We had a great time - and then he got busy and I got busy and we drifted apart.

Today, I got two emails from him:

Email 1: Hi there pretty lady,
I have finally moved and things have settled down. I know it's been awhile but I can't seem to get you out of my mind. Give me a call if you would like to "reignite" things. You are fun and a blast to be around so I would be honored to take you out again.

Have a great night and hopefully we can catch up...
(his name)

Email 2: Additionally…I am a moron for not pursuing things further with you in the Spring. I was slightly afraid because I did like you so much. I know that makes no sense and yes, I was a moron...

(his name) (his number)

p.s. Hoping for a second chance.

Of course I'll give him a second chance... he is a great conversationalist and has a great sense of humor.... (and for anyone who has read me for a bit, he's the guy with the nipple ring...)

Shadow Dancing and Other Games

2005-08-14T04:54:00.000-05:00

Well, I certainly had an interesting date tonight... And yes, the time stamp is correct. I'm home and have not yet been to bed. Yes, it's after 4 AM.

Well, remember dinner the other night? Well, he and I went out again tonight.

Let's see.... I had decided with the new space to use all of the same nick names, but it's weird calling all the men "he" or "him". What shall I do? Let's just call this guy "J". I've been seeing "J" for a little over a month now. He's older than me, by almost 20 years... but we have fun...

So. There is a fairly upscale swingers club in our area and J asked if I would be interested in going - of course, I said "yes". I've never been and am open to new experiences... Now, J knows about me and Dee. That's a real turn on to him, my interest in women...

I wore a V-neck white blouse that shows lots of cleavage, a sheer black mini-skirt and high heeled sandals.... Oh, and underneath? White push-up bra, sheer black panties and (of course) black stockings...

So, we met at 7:30 and had an 8 PM dinner reservation. Dinner was great - crab cakes for appetizer, steaks (filets), creamed spinach... and two really wonderful Cosmo's made just right.

Then it was on to the club. The club is BYOB, so J brought a couple of bottles of wine. We sat for a bit, simply people watching - and then the club started getting more crowded - and more people meant folks started dancing. And then we started dancing....

I don't get out often to dance, but I had so much fun. I had a couple of dances where another couple danced with us... Dancing with another woman is always fun, but when it involves touching - and her partner is reaching around and touching you as well... now that was a turn on.

Then, I took a turn dancing in the shadow box. The shadow box is a box with heavy white screens with a backlight. When you are in there, no one can see anything beyond your shadow. And silhouettes are so much better when you can see the curves... so I took off my blouse and skirt and danced in my bra, panties and stockings...

When I returned to our table, the gentleman at the next table complimented me on my time in the box, and suggested I try talking his wife (N) into going, too. I even offered to go in there with her, but she was too shy. So HE said he'd go in there with me. While we waited for the box to empty again, J and I and the other couple went out on the dance floor - and as the box cleared finally, SHE changed her mind and decided to go in and dance with me.

Again, I stripped down to just my underthings - and she told me how much she loved my stockings and how nice they looked on me. As for her, she had on a tight-ish dress - so she simply undid the halter part and danced with me, rubbing her bare tits against me at times...

And later, he went in with me. I decided to keep my skirt on with him, but I did strip off my blouse. Hey, it's not like I got naked, I had a bra on. And we had a GREAT time dancing. There is just something that is a turn on to be in the box, knowing that people can kind of see but not know for sure what you are doing. And he did slide down on me, lifted my skirt a little and put his mouth over my panties for a brief moment... but no real contact if that makes sense.

And we danced more on the dance floor. I had forgotten how very fun just going out and dancing can be. And then N and I went to the ladies' room. And, well, we kind of disappeared in there because we sat and talked. She confessed that both she and her husband were attracted to me, but that she wasn't attracted to J. Which is OK - because, as I explained to her, he and I are just dating and we are NOT exclusive. I've told him that, but am still not quite sure he understands it... We talked a bit about their rules, which includes both of them being in the room no matter what happens and what kind of exchange it is. Oh, and safe sex is a must... I can live with those rules...

And she told me how much she enjoyed meeting me and getting to know me - that sometimes, it is just nice to have someone to talk to about living this kind of lifestyle... So, we exchanged phone numbers so that we can get together to chat, for lunch, etc... I've been told by Dee (and a few others) that I am unusual in many ways - especially with my open-ness and open-minded-ness.

Then we realized it was 2:30 and time to head home. I dozed a bit in the car on the way back to his office (which is where we met). He was worried about me getting home, but I was fine. I stopped at a 24-hour Starbucks and got a cup of coffee. I made it home no problem.. but now, am feeling WIDE awake.

NO, there was no sex tonight, but lots of fun play. Made a new friend. And got to play shadow...

Girlfriends Are Special

2005-08-14T04:13:00.000-05:00

My day was spent hanging out with K. Since she and B are divorcing, I don't get to see her much. She no longer lives across the street - but I've been to her new apartment a couple of times.

Today, she asked me if I wanted to come over and just hang out at the pool. So, after the ex came to pick up the kidlets, I drove the 1/2 hour to her apartment, and we went to the pool. We swam. We laid out. I put on tons of sunscreen, but still got a little pink.

Then we took quick showers - and went and got manicures and pedicures.

Pure girl time. and NO, there is NOTHING sexual in any way with K. We are just friends. And I realized today how much I miss her being mere seconds away. But, I know from my gut that she is doing the right thing with the divorce.

Then, as I was on my way home from her place, M texted messaged me that she was at my house - so I called her and told her I would be there soon. She and her daughter hung out with me for a couple of hours. We worked on a re-do of her resume. The she left so I could get ready for my date.... For the record, M is going through a divorce right now, too. She moved out of the weekend after K left B.

I adore M. She and I continue to get closer. We have so much fun together - we are always laughing. And she adores my kids, especially my oldest. And my oldest loves her and always asks when she will be coming over to hang out with us.

There is a level of closeness and intimacy with M that I haven't had with other girlfriends that live here - yes, with girlfriends that live in other places - girlfriends that I email with and talk on the phone with - but no one that lives locally.

So she is special to me. I miss working with her, but if luck holds out, she may end up at the new company I'm going to work for....

I'm just a girl...

2005-08-12T18:06:00.000-05:00

I am a girl of simple desires...

I'm all about exploring the edges of my limits. I love the discussions of fantasies... Even moreso, I appreciate the ability to do some follow through and actually make some of the fantasies become a reality.

And this is where we come to wants and needs like I asked about recently...

Sometimes, I simply need to have a few words to remind me that I am still a fantasy girl.... It's a better place to be mentally.

I don't need to know that any relationship is going to be "forever". I'm not about forever right now.

But I want to be the kind of girl that is on his mind.

I want to be desired. I want to be cared for. But I don't need to be.

I want great sex. Or is that a need?

I want intelligent conversation. I want a man with a sense of adventure. I want a man that makes me laugh.

I want a man that accepts me for who I am...

But I don't need it because I've discovered that girlfriends fill those areas of my life very well

What I need? I need my health. I need my sense of humor. I need to be "OK" with myself. I need to be confident in myself. I need to be comfortable with my own body.

And everything else is all about the wants...

and sometimes

2005-08-11T08:52:00.000-05:00

you think to yourself.

no matter how I feel, I simply need to walk away.

And I hate being emotional and feeling so dramatic. At least I got a chuckle out of it....

Phone Karma

2005-08-10T19:22:00.000-05:00

Today I had a whole thirty-five minutes to myself.

I didn't have to go to work. My youngest was at home. My oldest had an appointment with her therapist. I had time to kill before she would be done... So, I went to a drive-in restaurant.

I had been text messaging with Dee - but she was about to walk into her office, so we hung up and I laid the cell phone in the passenger seat. So, I was simply sitting: the windows rolled down, the music turned low, a Dr. Pepper in the cup holder, my book in hand (I'm reading Tart by Jody Gehrman) and my cell phone rang.

I looked over at the phone and saw that it was J, my trainer. I'll confess that I have NOT been working out lately so I didn't answer it. In fact, I haven't worked out since the last time I saw him, which was many months ago.

Honestly, I rarely don't answer my phone. My phone is almost always on. Now, when I'm on a date, I turn the phone to vibrate and leave it in my purse. Otherwise, I answer. Honest.

and before I could pick up the phone to listen to the voice message, I hear a honk, and I look up.

And it's J.

Yep. He was THERE at the same drive-in - getting a Diet Coke. And he saw me. So he called. And I didn't answer. And he watched me NOT answer and heard my phone ring since my windows were down.

And what could I do but laugh. And he told me that he left me a dirty message, to which I smiled really big and said "GREAT! I love dirty messages! And he blushed and said not THAT kind of message and he wouldn't know about those.

And then he asked me how I was, how my ex was, how the kids were, when I was going to come see him, what was new, and was I working out.

I told I was basically good, kids were good, not sure about the ex - and I needed to come see him and no, I hadn't been working out. Oh, and I showed him my belly ring. To which he laughed.

But, I told him, even though I haven't been working out, I'm doing great on my weight - I'm maintaining around 150 - I'm staying in a size 8/10 pant.....

On January 1st, I weighed 185. I've been around 150 since March. I do watch what I eat, but not to the point that I deprive myself. Last time we worked out together, he was amazed how much I'd lost with my confession of not making it to the gym much. He told me it must be OTHER activities. That sex is a great calorie burner. Oh, and he also told me that sex while standing burned more calories...

So, when I told him I was maintaining, he laughed and told me that I was maintaining because I'd been doing OTHER workouts...

And then he had to leave. And I felt guilty for avoiding his call because he isn't the type to fuss at me - I've known him since 1996 - and he's been nothing but caring and supportive to me during all of these years.

So, he drove away and I still had twenty minutes to sit and be alone - back to my book, my Dr. Pepper and the soft music...

And there you have it. Phone Karma. Next time you try to ditch a call, remember what happened to me.

Want VS. Need

2005-08-10T09:00:00.000-05:00

Another request for your thoughts on life, dating, sex, etc....

How do you define "Want" vs. "Need" ??

Surprises

2005-08-09T23:54:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, it's just nice to have a surprise of a nice evening. I went out to dinner and was not much in the mood for my date - but it all turned out nice.

very nice...

I first had my traditional Cosmo - and then had an Orange martini - made with Orange Juice, Citrus Vodka and Contrieur. It was yummy. Dinner for me was a salad with blue cheese - then pork tenderloin over wilted spinach with potato pancakes. He had a crab cake and some Tilapia.

And then to his office, which is at a sports stadium. We walked out on the balcony and took in the night air - and spent some time with me on his desk....

A very good evening, indeed...

Ready for Input...

2005-08-09T10:20:00.000-05:00

What attracts you to a man (or for men, what attracts you to a woman?)

What makes it it "worth it" to play the dating game / game of love / whatever you call it?

I'll start a list and hope you will add on...

*Good Sex. No. GREAT sex.
*A Sense of Humor.
*Appeals to your Mind

frustrated

2005-08-09T08:36:00.000-05:00

Dee called last night and told me she was coming for a quickie visit. Then texted messaged me this morning that she can't make it after all.

I was really looking forward to some girl time. Out for drinks. hanging out on the couch watching movies. Talking face to face instead of on the phone or via text or IM.

I do have a girlfriend that I can do that with sometimes. I used to work with her and we've become close. Last night she came over and had dinner with me and then we laid in the driveway talking about where I used to work, her soon-to-be ex husband, my ex-husband, a couple of the guys I've been dating...

It's nice, to be honest. I spent so much time isolated thanks to my ex... I cherish friends...

See, time with girlfriends isn't like men imagine necessarily. Girls can have close friends without there being anything sexual at all there. I don't know if guys get that close to guy friends?

A Moment...

2005-08-08T13:16:00.000-05:00

Today, I was watching the movie "The Upside of Anger". In all honesty, I started watching it last night, but was too tired to get into it. But today, my oldest daughter was watching it, so I sat and watched the end. And a moment in the movie simply hit me - and hit me hard... It was towards the end, and the main character (Joan Allen) was in bed and the guy (Kevin Costner) she had been seeing was there, too - and they were sleeping on opposite sides, not touching - and she was withdrawn - so withdrawn into her own anger, her own pain - and then suddenly, she let go for just a moment - and moved over in the bed next to him. He pulled her into his arms and she finally slept. I was so reminded of a brief moment in my own life - back in June. Back when my world was closing in on me in so many ways - and I was so very withdrawn from not only the world - but in all honesty from myself - choosing to hide away from my emotions and put them to the side.

And then it came time for me to let go a bit when a friend came over... below is a piece of what I wrote about that night... and you should know that yes, he has read a version of this...

At one point, I slowed and laid my chest against his back and he asked if I was tired and when I said yes, he told me to lay down for a little while…

And to be honest, we slept. At first, in our typical position – again, back to the level of comfort and routines – and that is on our right sides with his right arm under me and his left arm over me – and his left hand on my breast. I got up a couple of times to deal with the dogs – and we woke at various intervals – and would change positions… sometimes with him on his back, my head on his chest and my right arm across him while his right arm rested on the small of my back… sometimes on our sides with his right arm under me and his right hand intertwined with my right hand…and sometimes with legs intertwined...
and it was comfortable. I appreciate comfort...maybe because I don't allow it in very often...

One time when I woke up, I thought about sex. It's hard to NOT think about it when you are naked and your bodies are pressed together…but I had already decided that I would not be the one to initiate sex… we've been so on and off – and he was honestly there because I needed the ability to let my emotions go a bit before my household tried to get back to normal…

And around 4:30, we were again in our typical position and I awoke to his left hand caressing my breast – rubbing the nipple and then caressing the fullness and tracing along the underneath of my breast…

And in those moments I realized how very much I cared for this man. And I felt it to my toes that he cared for me - not because of anything he said - but because of his actions - because he was so there for me in those moments.

That moment when I needed a friend - physically - to just be there, hold me - and make me feel safe.

And the moment in the movie when Kevin Costner simply pulls Joan Allen in and holds her brought it all flooding back to me -this moment in my life - with incredibly stark clarity...

I am so very conflicted in my feelings.

How thankful I am that I had those moments of feeling safe. Of feeling I can trust someone enough to be vulnerable. Of feeling those pure moments of comfort...

But how much it hurts to open up those feelings and allow them to exist. And wishing I could almost take back the moment of being vulnerable with him.

But knowing that it is out there and I cannot take it back. I can only hope that having these feelings is worth the pain.

And admitting that sometimes, just sometimes, I simply want to be held and feel as if I'm cared for...

Weekend Plans?

2005-08-06T14:09:00.000-05:00

So, what does everyone have planned for the weekend?

As for me, the kids are with my ex... he seems to be taking them less and less these days. It used to be every weekend, and now, we struggle to get them there every-other-weekend. I cherish my alone time. I need to do things like clean house. Change the sheets on the bed. Do Laundry.

But. I can do that tomorrow.

I have plans to go to dinner tonight. I've never been out to dinner with this man - in fact, I never had really looked at him as a possible date. We used to be collegues. And when we worked together (at different offices) I had said "we should do dinner one night". And I meant it in a workish sort of way. But now, I don't work there anymore... in fact, I will soon be working for a competitor.

Funny, really.

See, one day, I was planning a meeting at the office this man works at - he is the manager there. So, as I was planning to visit, my boss and his secretary and I were talking - and She popped off that this guy was single - and my boss immediately said "he's not your type". And I looked at him and said "and what IS my type??".

And he said, well, I don't think anyone is his type. This man is a widower, and my boss has known him for several years. And as far as my boss knew, he wasn't dating.

We talk on the phone a couple of times a week, even though I'm no longer working for the same company.

He calls me "Sunshine".

But honestly, it may be just dinner - with him having no intentions of it being anything beyond that. Or he could be looking at it as a way to break the ice.

He's a nice guy. A really nice guy. So I will be cautious because if you've read my blog over at indecent, you know how I am super cautious when it comes to nice guys.

See, I think I'm beginning to care - a lot - for one of my Bad Boys. He cares for me, I know it. He has promised me that he will try harder to see me more often, but he hasn't had the opportunity to prove it yet. The day he made that promise, he left to go on a road trip with the guys...

So, no matter how much I care for him, right now he simply isn't around enough. So, in the meantime, I fill my time with others.

I asked Dee if it was fair to other men - to date them, knowing that they are not the first in my heart, and she said yes....

So, for now, I'm gonna go with that.

And simply enjoy dinner with a really nice man...

I'm in a girly mood. I'm going to wear a longish pink skirt and a white button up blouse. And cuter-than-pie white sandles...

Re-Publish?

2005-08-06T14:01:00.000-05:00

so. Anyone interested in some "old" posts? I have an archive of everything I wrote over at IndecentBlogging - well, at least most of it.

What do you think? Yes? No? Maybe?

New Home...

2005-08-06T13:33:00.000-05:00

I wasn't quite sure what to do. I've been debating about whether to continue blogging about my personal life just because, as a friend said, "your feelings are showing".

I was doing really well at keeping my feelings separate from my sex life.

But I like having the comfort of a place to go to let go of my thoughts. So here I am.

We shall see...

what's in a name?

2005-08-06T10:29:00.000-05:00

I had drinks tonight with one of the new guys I've been seeing.

He's older than me - by about 18 years - and time with him is more about adventure than just pure sex.

He wants to spoil me - and told me that I make a very lovely toy....

I kind of like being a toy, thankyouverymuch.

In all honesty, it gives me the opportunity to step back away from my feelings and myself...

and just be...

Be sexy.

Be naughty.

Be adventerous.

... and not be vanilla.

But above all, be myself.

He told me how much he liked the admiring looks of the other men in the bar - watching us have our drinks as we sat close together - and whispered and teased....

So, yeah. It's ok to simply be called "a toy"

What's in a name?